About five minutes after we had started I got that feeling again - when talking about the embarrasment I feel when I am in situations with my parents whice are a bit private. By this I mean if i stay over and get up in the morning still in my pajamas. We spoke about this and the feeling came really stongly. A physical sickness, a tight chest, a funny feeling on my skin - particularly the backs of my upper arms. But during this my mind is always blank, can't think of anything apart from how I feel.

I've been seeing this therapist for nine months now. Given that I keep having this experience she has suggested that I investigate another treatment alongside my therapy with her. She says that there seems to be something that is clearly being remembered by my body but not my brain, and we don't seem to be able to get it out. She has reccomended I see an energy therapy practicioner. This basically works on tapping into the energy channels to deal with the imbalance that has been created by a traumatic event.

Or, as Dr Mollon (the person she is likely to refer me to) says, "combines psychoanalytic understanding with the rapid, gentle and deep methods of energy therapy." I've researched and it seems to make sense so let's see where we go.

My concern is what is this trauma that is trapped in my body that is clearly having sauch an effect on me? My therapist could see I was a bit scared and she assured me that it doesn't necassarily need to be something major - its how I perceived it at the time that is important. But what if something horrible did happen - do I want to know? If I never know can I ever properly deal with it?

Comments

I think I'm going to come back to my blog. I'm glad its anonoymous because I think one of my propblems is that the things that I don't talk to people about, and hence I want to write here, are a little, shall we say, 'controversial'. People's views of those with depression are quite markedly divided: Either you should get over it and stop being down, or, you are recognised as someone who has no control over it and generally get support from people. Interestingly my parents make sure both of these are covered off.....

Back soon!

Comments

What do you want to know? What do you want to read about? I like the escape. I like the idea that you don't really know me, that I can say what I want and not worry. But I have nothing interesting to say, and hence the bogosphere (?) becomes crowded with lots of insignificant crap.

I've had a hard time of late. Changes in medication, problems with controling muyself, work stress, late nights, unrewarded weekend work, friends with issues I've tried so hard to support on. But here I don't want sympathy or support, I want intelligent debate, creative input, views that challenge my beliefs. But then, if I feel I've nothing to give - how can I get anything back?

I say it again - why blog?

Comments

The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain.

-Karl Marx

Skin is beautiful, don't ruin it with scars just because your life isn't as beautiful. For once life becomes beautiful to you again, your skin wont be so beautiful anymore.

-Meg

Comments

Today I:
- discovered I actually have £60 to last until the 28th
- got soaked
- took on a whole load more stressful crisis comms work
and
- spent an hour sitting on the floor of my office trying to sort out my little paniking alcoholic friend

The latter being the most disturbing. What I haven't blogged is that after he was signed off work sick after the first fit he cut me out, apart from when he was slaughtered in the early hours of the morening when he called me up to offer some friendly abuse. One day he appeared back at work drinks, downed a couple of bottles of wine, flirted disgustingly with a girl who was clearly winding him up, left with her then called me ten minutes later to tell me he wanted me and was coming round to my house. When I said no the most obscene launguage came out of his mouth as to my motives for 'getting involved with his life'.....

The next day does he remember anything - no! So I tell him and get appologies and we make up and I miss him. Then over Christmas he comes along to a friends' party and causes a scene by being too drunk . Then (I find out today) has a panic attack at a party on nye leaves and calls me 15 (yes) times after going home to drink.

then today one of his colleagues pulls me out of a meeting to come look after him and I do and he stinks of alchohol (at ten thirty in the morning)and I call his parents to let them know he's back in hospital again. But now he is out and won't talk to me again.

what a rant and I feel so depressed and frankly I can't be bothered with any of this shit and I know that debating taking an overdose will pass and that it always does and that's what I'm trying to tell myself as I sit here and churn out all these useless words that don't mean anything but I know they are a distraction and I don't want anyone to read this because I sound like one of those self important silly young women who think they've got it so bad and I really should be puntuating some of this but I don't care and what's wrong with my life and yes thanks I'm intelligent and attractive and sociable and whatever I love the attention and I love chatting and laughing and talking but i hate everything else. and i know part of this is after christmas come down and that coke and prozac don't mix but, really, what is the point?

Comments

So I calcualte those evil bastards at HSBC have taken 500 quid in unauthorised overdraft fees in the last six months (they won't give me an overdraft because of my poor credit rating. How on earth they think I can afford around £100 a month in charges I have no idea!). I've found a helpful letter template online and just drafted a letter which I will endevour to post tomorrow, and maybe cc some personal finance journalists into......

Nationwide 'owe' me a further £200 and have already issued a debt collection notice. This started months ago  when they told me I had no outstanding payments pending on the account. I withdrew all my money and opened another account (they wouldn't give me a debit card - meaning I could only pay cash and had to visit cash machines). The payment they 'didn't notice' then went out, taking me overdrawn, and I refuse to pay charges. To top it off they won't enter into dialogue on the matter as they have my old address - which I can't change without writing to them. Interestingly my letter got lost in the post. Hmmmmm.

So begins the struggle. And another 26 days till payday and about 100 quid to last.

F**king joke.
Happy new year by the way.

Comments

because innocent people die every day

because those who work so hard get such little recognition

because people waste their intelligence on cruel intentions

I wonder sometimes is this a world I truely want to live in. So much pain, so much grief, so much hard work. What am i doing here?

Comments

Today my day was really bad,

I woke up feeling tired and sad,

I persevered like I knew I should,

But now I feel like tired old wood.

I messed things up,

Should have stayed in bed,

Embarrassed:

I want to bang my head.

The thoughts aren’t good and no one cares

If I cry I just get cold hard stares.

The old polar bear struggled on with her young,

Their journey was perilous and not too much fun.

It seems that we all have a struggle to make,

Whether it’s over the ice or in the morning to wake.

Today my day was rally bad,

I’m going to bed feeling tired and sad.

Tomorrow I’ll wake up and carry on,

With my thick white fur shining in the sun.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/nature/wildfacts/factfiles/7.shtml

Comments

To be happy I'm told i must look to myself,
not to young men, or clothing, or wealth.
At the moment there's nothing that makes me sit up,
and sometimes I feel that enough is enough.

So I sit out the bad bits and hope for the good,
trying to deal with things like I should.

Comments

1) House party - 30 mins travel door to door. Old friend I haven't seen for years, but don't know him particularly well. Know no one else at the party - so will require effort - and have a feeling they might not be the easiest people.

2) Housemate and her friend going out in Covent Garden - know quite a lot of people, although not well. Will be fun but will involve spending a lot of money and probably quite a late one.

3) DVDs at the boys' house. Good friends, will be a chilled lazy one. Take 45 mins to get to, cheap but will probably have to pay 20 quid for a cab home.

Help, what shall i do?!!!

Comments

I want to help him so much but don't know how. The person in question is an ex boyfriend. Long story short - I think he dumped me because I got too close to the problem. I see him a lot still, and speak to him more. The sad thing is that most of the time he doesn’t remember talking to me, doesn’t remember telling me how much I mean to him or how much he wants to be with me, how beautiful my eyes are or how intelligent and respected I am.

He looks ill and pale. He doesn't eat, he is underweight. He has a fragrance of alcohol and sweat which I find strangely comforting. I want to curl up in a ball with him and make his problems better.

So he can make mine go away.

I've realised we are so similar, and that I also have an addiction. We both have issues which have affected us psychologically; he chooses to cover his up by drinking. Every available hour, and on his own. I have my own ways of dealing with my issues, which I know he finds as hard to deal with. And mine are a lot less socially acceptable.

I know it’s not really my problem to make him deal with it, but....

Comments

1. To give myself a space to write down all my thoughts and feelings while still remaining anonymous - I thought this might have a therapeutic quality. I've been writing a diary but try hard to focus on writing something that no-one will ever read.

2. To attempt to educate people a little about what its like to suffer from depression. I'm a typical young, 'successful', sociable female with a great group of friends and an amazing family. Many people find it hard to believe that I can suffer so much when my life appears so perfect – they find it ever harder to accept that I am clinically diagnosed with an illness. I am fortunate, and eternally grateful, that I have some fantastically supportive people in my life an am able to deal with things – but am conscious others do not and sometimes the consequences can be dire.

A week or so in to my blog world I realise that this has worked out a little differently than I anticipated. I am worrying immensely about what the community - if you're reading this that includes you - think about me. You must be judging, asking questions, wondering what I'm like. This places a whole new dimension on things. I suddenly feel like an attention seeker who is looking for sympathy.

I must ponder this some more before I carry on writing……...

Comments

Realised that I'm very bitter and angry about something - not sure quite what though. Had a big rant about everything in my session - left in a bit of a state. Not helped by particularly stressful work situ. 

Arrived home to find I had left keys in house - house mates all out for the evening - friends in area also out. Went for drink with friend (who happens to be exboyf too). He'd clearly had a bad day and started giving me all this emotional grief from when we used to go out. Told him to go home because I was feeling to vulnerable and half in tears. J came back from work to flat to let me in.

By the time I got home I was so worked up - kept shuddering in the street and realised I was hair pulling. Came in, crawled in ball on sofa. J asked if I was okay - did I want dinner?

Went to my room, hadn't eaten all day. Did stupid stupid things then had a cry. Felt a bit better. Ate some toast. Tried to sleep. Had about two hours. Went to work next day shattered, on the edge and feeling guilty. Hate it when one minute I'm fine and the next I can't cope - feels like its a different me.

Comments

Tired of chasing people's half focused love and affection.

Tired of working so hard for so long.

Tired of pretending that I'm a strong young women.

Tired of trying to understand my thoughts and feelings,
 
And tired of trying to explain them to those around me.

Tired of jumping through hoops when all I'm doing is trying to sort my life out.

Tired of having my energies drained by so many things that don't benefit me. 

Tired of fighting the urges to hurt myself.

Tired of trying to work out what to do next.

Comments

Had another lunchless day and worked 12 hours solid. I'm so very tired. Does anyone else have urges to throw themselves in front of trains?

What will make my life better? More sex, more drugs, a better job, more friends, more money?

My mum doesen't understand - "I don't understand what I did so wrong for you to end up like this," she said the other week. Nothing mum, you didn't do anything wrong. I just felt unloved and now I'm 24 I find it so hard to deal with being on my own that I have episodes of depression and sometimes feel so bad that I hurt myself.

But its okay, I feel better when I take the drugs and the therapy is helping. I find it hard to talk to you about this because I feel like you patronise me. I know I have many friends and a family who love me but unfortunately that doesn't make me feel any better.

Comments

I'm trying to deal creatively with my depression. I'm hoping that blogging about it will both act as a diversionary technique and help me to express myself without further burdening those around me.

I don't want it to be all doom and gloom, but I really want to try and write something which is 100 per cent honest about how I really feel. That's the hard part....

Comments