don't give up

I am very indecisive at the moment and can't decide what to do with myself tonight, options as follows:

1) House party - 30 mins travel door to door. Old friend I haven't seen for years, but don't know him particularly well. Know no one else at the party - so will require effort - and have a feeling they might not be the easiest people.

2) Housemate and her friend going out in Covent Garden - know quite a lot of people, although not well. Will be fun but will involve spending a lot of money and probably quite a late one.

3) DVDs at the boys' house. Good friends, will be a chilled lazy one. Take 45 mins to get to, cheap but will probably have to pay 20 quid for a cab home.

Help, what shall i do?!!!

I've realised someone I care deeply about may be an alcoholic. In fact I've known this for a while but according to my therapist today was the first time I actually called him an 'alcoholic' and realised his drinking was an 'addiction'.

I want to help him so much but don't know how. The person in question is an ex boyfriend. Long story short - I think he dumped me because I got too close to the problem. I see him a lot still, and speak to him more. The sad thing is that most of the time he doesn’t remember talking to me, doesn’t remember telling me how much I mean to him or how much he wants to be with me, how beautiful my eyes are or how intelligent and respected I am.

He looks ill and pale. He doesn't eat, he is underweight. He has a fragrance of alcohol and sweat which I find strangely comforting. I want to curl up in a ball with him and make his problems better.

So he can make mine go away.

I've realised we are so similar, and that I also have an addiction. We both have issues which have affected us psychologically; he chooses to cover his up by drinking. Every available hour, and on his own. I have my own ways of dealing with my issues, which I know he finds as hard to deal with. And mine are a lot less socially acceptable.

I know it’s not really my problem to make him deal with it, but....

I started this blog for two reasons:

1. To give myself a space to write down all my thoughts and feelings while still remaining anonymous - I thought this might have a therapeutic quality. I've been writing a diary but try hard to focus on writing something that no-one will ever read.

2. To attempt to educate people a little about what its like to suffer from depression. I'm a typical young, 'successful', sociable female with a great group of friends and an amazing family. Many people find it hard to believe that I can suffer so much when my life appears so perfect – they find it ever harder to accept that I am clinically diagnosed with an illness. I am fortunate, and eternally grateful, that I have some fantastically supportive people in my life an am able to deal with things – but am conscious others do not and sometimes the consequences can be dire.

A week or so in to my blog world I realise that this has worked out a little differently than I anticipated. I am worrying immensely about what the community - if you're reading this that includes you - think about me. You must be judging, asking questions, wondering what I'm like. This places a whole new dimension on things. I suddenly feel like an attention seeker who is looking for sympathy.

I must ponder this some more before I carry on writing……...

This week's therapy/life debrief:

Realised that I'm very bitter and angry about something - not sure quite what though. Had a big rant about everything in my session - left in a bit of a state. Not helped by particularly stressful work situ. 

Arrived home to find I had left keys in house - house mates all out for the evening - friends in area also out. Went for drink with friend (who happens to be exboyf too). He'd clearly had a bad day and started giving me all this emotional grief from when we used to go out. Told him to go home because I was feeling to vulnerable and half in tears. J came back from work to flat to let me in.

By the time I got home I was so worked up - kept shuddering in the street and realised I was hair pulling. Came in, crawled in ball on sofa. J asked if I was okay - did I want dinner?

Went to my room, hadn't eaten all day. Did stupid stupid things then had a cry. Felt a bit better. Ate some toast. Tried to sleep. Had about two hours. Went to work next day shattered, on the edge and feeling guilty. Hate it when one minute I'm fine and the next I can't cope - feels like its a different me.

I'm tired.

Tired of chasing people's half focused love and affection.

Tired of working so hard for so long.

Tired of pretending that I'm a strong young women.

Tired of trying to understand my thoughts and feelings,
 
And tired of trying to explain them to those around me.

Tired of jumping through hoops when all I'm doing is trying to sort my life out.

Tired of having my energies drained by so many things that don't benefit me. 

Tired of fighting the urges to hurt myself.

Tired of trying to work out what to do next.

Missed therapy because I had too much work on, didn't realise until it was too late. That's 50 quid down the drain.

Had another lunchless day and worked 12 hours solid. I'm so very tired. Does anyone else have urges to throw themselves in front of trains?

What will make my life better? More sex, more drugs, a better job, more friends, more money?

My mum doesen't understand - "I don't understand what I did so wrong for you to end up like this," she said the other week. Nothing mum, you didn't do anything wrong. I just felt unloved and now I'm 24 I find it so hard to deal with being on my own that I have episodes of depression and sometimes feel so bad that I hurt myself.

But its okay, I feel better when I take the drugs and the therapy is helping. I find it hard to talk to you about this because I feel like you patronise me. I know I have many friends and a family who love me but unfortunately that doesn't make me feel any better.

Prozac - 40mg a day.
Therapy - once a week.
Blood and tears - constant.

I'm trying to deal creatively with my depression. I'm hoping that blogging about it will both act as a diversionary technique and help me to express myself without further burdening those around me.

I don't want it to be all doom and gloom, but I really want to try and write something which is 100 per cent honest about how I really feel. That's the hard part....